The “Helping Mode”
As late as 1959, The United Nations announced the Declaration of the Rights of the Child. This was the first time children were seen as people, instead of the property of their parents. In the mid 20th century, “helping mode” parenting began to arise. “Helping mode” parents looked beyond the moral standards of “good”, “bad”, “right” and “wrong”, and instead focused on understanding their children’s needs, suggested through their behavior.
“Helping mode” parents pay much attention to the connection with their children. They tend to their children’s emotional development by listening with empathy to their expressions of need. Children are accepted as who they are. They are encouraged to follow their inner authority for decision making, while respecting other people’s boundaries. Rather than imposing “good” values on children, they foster children’s autonomy and self-regulation. “Helping mode” parents always reflect on themselves, are open to new values and are willing to change. “Helping mode” education emphasizes respect, trust, communication, and embracing children’s uniqueness. It supports each child to live out his/her passion, in order to attain a diverse, abundant, and happy society.
The Sudbury education model matches with the “helping mode” mindset. The Sudbury model is a paradigm shift on the evolution of education, just the same as the “helping mode” on the evolution of parenting. It means there is a complete change in the mindsets, beliefs, values, and methods.
1. Other possibilities
The “helping mode” is not an “either-or” mindset.
The opposite of not beating, not yelling, not using reward to manipulate, and not actively influencing children is not necessarily spoiling and neglecting. One possibility is to empathize with children’s needs, and establish a trusting and equal relationship with them, all the while showing them how our behavior affects others. Empathy and healthy boundaries go hand in hand. Children who feel respected, understood and accepted will learn to respect others and understand other people’s difficulties, so that they are willing to be cooperative.
The lack of a compulsory curriculum does not mean the children’s opportunity to learn is exploited. One possibility is that it is truly a child-centered approach that provides a safe and nurturing environment for them to explore. Children learn by following their interests and adults are there to help when needed. This is real individualization.
When children do not need to follow a specific external path, they may direct their own learning more thoroughly, and experience a wider, deeper scope of learning than the predetermined curriculum. The point is, children have more time and space to find their own paths, and do not need to satisfy the expectation of adults.
For instance, without a predetermined curriculum, a 6-year-old boy may learn reading through exploring his passion for insects, and learn maths through daily shopping. A 12-year-old girl who has ample time to focus on drama, as she doesn’t need to follow a mandatory curriculum, may already accumulate plenty of stage experience by the age of 16, and know her career goal and feel satisfied. The point is not about what the young people do, but rather about how they decide for themselves and feel empowered by doing so.
I can go on with the list of examples, but it is still difficult for people to believe that these possibilities exist. Most people think Sudbury education is like gambling with children’s lives, because to them, rewards and implicit influence are already the most civilized path, and have not experienced it any other way. They don’t know how to practice the Sudbury approach. Two hundred years ago, people would have felt the same way if someone had suggested that we should not beat children.
A win-win community
In the Sudbury community, when children have conflicts, it is dealt with in the Judicial Committee. They talk about which rule was transgressed and the children take responsibility by fulfilling their sanctions. In any case, the rules have been broken, but it’s not about right or wrong. No one has to be “wrong”. People have different needs and thoughts and what we need to do is go beyond the “either-or” mindset, and together with the children, resolve issues by adopting a win-win solution.
2. Children are full of wisdom
The “helping mode” mindset leads to believing that children have many good qualities. When parents see behavior that seems “bad”, they either see it as a developmental need, a distorted behavior resulting from a wounded heart, or understand that it is “bad” only to the traditional world. They won’t conclude that the child is bad in nature. Instead of judging and correcting them, they focus more on understanding them, and having an honest discussion on how their behavior affects others and how to take responsibility for their actions.
Sudbury education believes that children are complete and full of wisdom. Children are born curious and eager to learn. They want to grow to be independent. They are altruistic, close to their hearts and full of wisdom. The adults should be children’s helpers instead of evaluators. They should respect children and support them to self-actualize. They should share their experiences and thoughts, without having a hidden agenda of expecting them to meet their standards. On the contrary, adults should let children experience and learn from trial and error.
In the Sudbury community, when children feel respected and trusted, they will naturally live out their good qualities. What Sudbury staff need to bear in mind is NOT to do so much that it would be hindering children’s natural development. Instead of imposing their own limiting beliefs on children, they should let them have the chance to examine different values. They let them take responsibility for themselves, which is more important than whether the behavior is good or bad.
In a Sudbury modeled school, everyone is responsible for her/his behavior. When a child’s behavior is affecting others, there is a system that deals with it. But the system does not limit this child’s personal matters that have nothing to do with the others. The staff members do not intentionally impose certain values on children, because they humbly believe that no one in the world knows what is truly good for a child’s life. What parents and other adults can do is respect children as independent individuals, and support their growth.
3. What’s underneath the behavior?
“Helping mode” adults do not judge children simply by their behavior. Children have different basic needs at different stages. Once these needs are met, they will continue to develop into healthy adults. For instance, toddlers learn to strengthen their will power, self-esteem and their boundaries by saying no to adults and by opposing authorities. When a child refuses to share her toy, “socializing mode” parents will judge her as selfish, while “helping mode” parents will understand that it’s the child’s developmental need, and the child may be learning to establish her own boundaries which is an important life lesson.
In the Sudbury education model, adults also do not judge children simply by their behavior. Let’s use gaming as an example. When “socializing mode” parents see their children with an iPad, they immediately jump to the conclusion of “it’s bad for their health” and “they are addicted to it, it won’t be good”. When “helping mode” parents face the same situation, the first thing they want to know is “What games are they playing? What makes them so interested? How do they feel when they are gaming? Why do they like gaming more than other activities? Have I ever felt passionate about gaming? Am I able to understand how they feel?” Later on, the parents may also discuss with their children about the effect of gaming on their health, but it’s obvious that the two different types of parents have totally opposing attitudes and beliefs towards children.
4. Self-healing and self growth of adults
In “socializing mode” parenting and the previous period, the main way to treat children is to shape them into what the adults want them to be. Whenever children don’t meet the standards, it is seen as their problem. However, “helping mode” parents work on their own issues rather than fixing their children. They reflect on their old beliefs, and avoid projecting their own issues on the children. In this process, the beliefs and values of the adults may be challenged, and sometimes they may be triggered too, opening up old wounds.
“Helping mode” and the Sudbury approach is a paradigm shift because the adults pay attention to personal growth and change themselves, rather than expecting the children to change. This self-healing element was missing in all the previous parenting modes.
The process of the paradigm shift
After reading the history of parenting and knowing how children were treated, I have more compassion for people who don’t understand the Sudbury education model yet. We came from a place where children were not treated as human. I can’t imagine how much pain our ancestors must have suffered. What does it take for those who were killed, abandoned, and severely beaten to stop passing on the tragedy? It took more than a hundred years to evolve from one parenting mode to the next. And nowadays, though the parenting style has progressed immensely, there are still people who treat children horribly. The Sudbury model’s approach on how to treat children — as equal individuals, respecting their uniqueness, connecting with them — is just too different from history.
The “helping mode” parenting was suggested by the American social thinker Lloyd deMause in 1970, while the first Sudbury school, the Sudbury Valley School, was established in the United States around the same time. In 2021, “helping mode” parenting and Sudbury education are more common in western societies, but they are still not seen as the norm. In the Chinese community for example, they are only at the early stages.
How the paradigm shifts depends on how fast the human consciousness evolves, how the old belief system collapses, how many people have paid the price for the “socializing mode”, and many more factors. What I personally can do, is to continue to reflect on myself, respect children, and practice the Sudbury model. Other than that, I probably need to be prepared that this shift will take a hundred years to become the norm. So apart from committing myself to this mission, I might as well take it easy and enjoy the process.
(English version edited by Talissa Gazeau)
Doubts about the Sudbury Education Model, Part 1
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